The Perfect Son.
A: I have the perfect son.
B: Does he smoke?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he ever come home late?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.
Girl: You would be a good dancer except for two things.
Boy: What are the two things?
Girl: Your feet.
Submitted by Bob Waldman
A family of mice were surprised by a big cat. Father Mouse jumped and and said, "Bow-wow!" The cat ran away. "What was that, Father?" asked Baby Mouse. "Well, son, that's why it's important to learn a second language."
Submitted by BH LEE
My friend said he knew a man with a wooden leg named Smith.
So I asked him "What was the name of his other leg?"
(Try this one with your students the next time you are teaching a lesson that includes this type of grammer.)
The doctor to the patient: 'You are very sick'
The patient to the doctor: 'Can I get a second opinion?'
The doctor again: 'Yes, you are very ugly too...'
I use this joke for retelling in reported speech.
Submitted by: Adriana Luchetti
A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts."
The doctor asks, "What do you mean?"
The man says, "When I touch my shoulder, it really hurts. If I touch my knee - OUCH! When I touch my forehead, it really, really hurts."
The doctor says, "I know what's wrong with you - you've broken your finger!"
Submitted by Sean McLoughlin
Patient: Doctor, I have a pain in my eye whenever I drink tea.
Doctor: Take the spoon out of the mug before you drink.
Submitted by: Irene Pellegrini
Patient: Doctor! You've got to help me! Nobody ever listens to me. No one ever pays any attention to what I have to say.
Doctor: Next please!
Submitted by Marco Morales, Mexico
Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.
The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?"
One boy answers, "We found a ten dollor bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."
"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was."
The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.
A snail walks into a bar and the barman tells him there's a strict policy about having snails in the bar and so kicks him out. A year later the same snail re-enters the bar and asks the barman "What did you do that for?"
Submitted by Steve
A: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl?
B: It's a girl. She's my daughter.
A: Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I didn't know that you were her father.
B: I'm not. I'm her mother.
Mother: "Did you enjoy your first day at school?"
Girl: "First day? Do you mean I have to go back tomorrow?
Submitted by Miguel de Paco Moltط£آ³
Headmaster: I've had complaints about you, Johnny, from all your teachers. What have you been doing?
Johnny: Nothing, sir.
Headmaster: Exactly.
Submitted by Maria del Pilar Villlegas Martinez
Teacher: "Nick, what is the past participle of the verb to ring?"
Nick: "What do you think it is, Sir?"
Teacher: "I don't think, I KNOW!"
Nick: "I don't think I know either, Sir!"
Submitted by Bernadette Kelly
A: Hey, man! Please call me a taxi.
B: Yes, sir. You are a taxi.
Submitted by Clط£طŒudia Almeida
A: Why are you crying?
B: The elephant is dead.
A: Was he your pet?
B: No, but I'm the one who must dig his grave.
Submitted by Joe, from Indiana
A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.
"Wow!," said her father, "That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?"
"Wrong number," replied the girl.
PUPIL: "Would you punish me for something I didn`t do?"
TEACHER:" Of course not."
PUPIL: "Good, because I haven`t done my homework."
Submitted by Miguel de Paco Moltط£آ³
A teacher asked a student to write 55.
Student asked: How?
Teacher: Write 5 and beside it another 5!
The student wrote 5 and stopped.
teacher: What are you waiting for?
student: I don't know which side to write the other 5!
Submitted by Mahmoud Zeidan
When I want to teach the coulors, I just ask my students to pretend the phone is ringing and they will answer:
Phone rings: "Green, green!"
They answer: "Yellow?"
They ask: "White?"
They hang up: "Pink!"
While teaching this use your hands pretending you are holding the phone.
Submitted by Maria Crisitna Codorniz
Little Johnny: Teacher, can I go to the bathroom?
Teacher: Little Johnny, MAY I go to the bathroom?
Little Johnny: But I asked first!
Submitted by: Elise Owen, Dalian China
Two goldfish in a bowl talking:
Goldfish 1: Do you believe in God?
Goldfish 2: Of course, I do! Who do you think changes the water?
Son: Dad, what is an idiot?
Dad: An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can't understand him. Do you understand me?
Son: No.
Man: I could go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: Yes, but would you stay there?
Man: I offer you myself.
Woman: I am sorry I never accept cheap gifts.
Man: I want to share everything with you.
Woman: Let's start from your bank account.
Submitted by kara dolson
Teacher: Why are you late?
Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill.
Teacher: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it?
Student: No. I was standing on it.
Submitted by Fred G. Stone
Customer: Excuse me, but I saw your thumb in my soup when you were carrying it.
Waitress: Oh, that's okay. The soup isn't hot.
Submitted by Jim Sperling
The real estate agent says, "I have a good, cheap apartment for you."
The man replys, "By the week or by the month?"
The agent answers, "By the garbage dump.."
Bank Teller: How do you like the money?
English Student: I like it very much.
Submitted by Safnil (Bengkulu University Indonesia)
"Why do you take baths in milk?"
"I can't find a cow tall enough for a shower."
Customer in a restaurant: I would like to have a plate of rice and a piece of fried chicken and a cup of coffee
Waitress : Is it enough Sir?
Customer : What? Do you think I can't buy more?
Submitted by Safnil (Bengkulu University Indonesia)
"You look very funny wearing that belt."
"I would look even funnier if I didn't wear it."
"I was born in California."
"Which part?"
"All of me."
"Excuse me. Do you know the way to the zoo?"
"No, I'm sorry I don't."
"Well, it's two blocks this way, then one block to the left."
Teacher: Do you have trouble making decisions?
Student: Well...yes and no.
Three mice are being chased by a cat. The mice were cornered when one of the mice turned around and barked, "Ruff! Ruff! Ruff!" The surprised cat ran away scared. Later when the mice told their mother what happened, she smiled and said, "You see, it pays to be bilingual!"
Submitted by Jeanne Ramirez
Once there were three turtles. One day they decided to go on a picnic. When they got there, they realized they had forgotten the soda. The youngest turtle said he would go home and get it if they wouldn't eat the sandwiches until he got back. A week went by, then a month, finally a year, when the two turtles said,"oh, come on, let's eat the sandwiches." Suddenly the little turtle popped up from behind a rock and said, "If you do, I won't go!"
Submitted by Abu Abdulaziz (Kuwait)
The teacher to a student: Conjugate the verb "to walk" in simple present.
The student: I walk. You walk ....
The teacher intruptes him: Quicker please.
The student: I run. You run ...
Submitted by: Mouhssin
Father: What did you do today to help your mother?
Son: I dried the dishes
Daughter: And I helped pick up the pieces.
Submitted by Fred G. Stone
A: Look at your face I know what you have for breakfast
B: What was it?
A: Eggs.
B: No, that was yesterday.
Submitted by: Janekt Ho
A: Why are all those people running?
B: They are running a race to get a cup.
A: Who will get the cup?
B: The person who wins.
A: Then why are all the others running?
Submitted by: Girish Chavan
Patient: Doctor, I think that I've bitten by a vampire.
Doctor: Drink this glass of water.
Patient: Will it make me better?
Doctor: No, I but I'll be able to see if your neck leaks.
Submitted by: Rizwana Lahore Pakistan
Said to a railroad engineer:
What's the use of having a train schedule if the trains are always late.
The reply from the railroad engineer:
How would we know they were late, if we didn't have a schedule?
Submitted by Kyle Jefferson
A: When I stand on my head the blood rushes to my head, but when I stand on my feet the blood doesn't rush to my feet. Why is this?
B: It's because your feet aren't empty.
Submitted by Kyle Jefferson
Teacher: Did you father help your with your homework?
Student: No, he did it all by himself.
Teacher: What are some products of the West Indies?
Student: I don't know.
Teacher: Of course, you do. Where do you get sugar from?
Student: We borrow it from our neighbor.
On a crowded bus, one man noticed that another man had his eyes closed.
"What's the matter? Are you sick?" he asked.
"No, I'm okay. It's just that I hate to see old ladies standing."
If big elephants have big trunks, do small elephants have suitcases?
Submitted by lisbeth
A: Do you want to hear a dirty joke?
B: Ok
A: A white horse fell in the mud.
Submitted by Robert Kenneth Peter Kroeker - age 21
A nervous old lady on a bus was made even more nervous by the fact that the driver periodically took his arm out of the window. When she couldn't stand it any longer, she tapped him on the shoulder and whispered on his ear: "Young man...you keep both hands on the wheel...I'll tell you when it's raining!" :)
Submitted by Joan M. Diez Cliville
I used to be a werewoolf...
But I'm much better noooooooooooow !
Submitted by Eric Vadot
"Spell SPOT three times."
"S P O T , S P O T , S P O T"
"What do you do when you come to a green light?"
(answer is invariably-) "Stop!"
"What, at a GREEN light?"
Submitted by Karen
There is a California dude going through a desert. He's wearing shorts, sunglasses, a towel and listening to music on his walkman. He's having a good time. Suddenly he sees a caravan approaching. He stops the Arabs and ask them cheerfully: "Hey dudes how far is the sea?" They look at each other and say: "Two thousand miles!" And he says: "Wow what a cool beach!!!"
Submitted by Robert Stadnik
In a restaurant:
Customer: Waiter, waiter! There is a frog in my soup!!!
Waiter: Sorry, sir. The fly is on vacation.
Submitted by Daniel Fernando Rodrigues
One teacher said this to his students before the final test.
"A" is for God.
"B" is for me and my wife.
"C" is for the perfect student.
"D & F" are for all other students.
Submitted by Abu Abdulaziz (Kuwait)
Man said to God --- Why did you make women so beautiful?
God said to man --- So that you will love them.
Man said to God --- But why did you make them so dumb?
God said to man --- So that they will love you.
Submitted by Esmond Jones.
This is a humorous "fake" news items which many adult ESL/EFL students may understand.
REDMOND, WA (API) --- MICROSOFT (MSFT) announced today that
the official release date for the new operating system
"Windows 2000" will be delayed until the second quarter of
1901.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you so much! (I love you so much..)
Submitted by Barbara S.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you glad I didn't say banana?
Submitted by Pat Bacon
(For advanced learners... and teachers?)
Early one morning, one of the gods was galloping around Mount Olympus. Invigorated by the brisk breeze, he shouted euphorically, "I'm Thor!"
His stallion looked back at him and reminded him, "That'th becauthe you forgot the thaddle, thilly!"
Submitted by Walter F. Lockhart
Did you hear about the skeleton who walked into a cafe?
He ordered a cup of coffee and a mop.
Submitted by C. Keyes
1. Did you hear about the blind carpenter who picked up his hammer and saw?
2. Did you hear about the deaf shepherder who gathered his flock and heard?
Submitted by Leah Davis
You can use this joke to explain that insulting someone is considered funny especially when that person is fishing for a compliment.
Mary: John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly. What do you think, Peter?
Peter: I think you're pretty ugly.
Submitted by George L. Washington
My boss is so unpopular even his own shadow refuses to follow him.
Submitted by Jozef Karpat
"Do you know what really amazes me about you?"
"No.What?"
"Oops.Sorry. I was thinking about someone else!"
Submitted by The Clar (South Korea)
Why do we park our car in the driveway and drive our car on the parkway?
Submitted by Rex Karz in Seattle
If tin whistles are made of tin, what are fog horns made of?
Submitted by r.d.
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
Submitted by Shahirah
Comment Probably too difficult for most ESL students.
A person who speaks two languages is bilingual...A person who speaks three languages is trilingual...A person who speaks four or more languages is multilingual.
What is a person who speaks one language?
An American.
Submitted by H. Terrell
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